Today I was Unfairly Attacked by a Catfish; Catfish and Chips? No, Catfish and Cancer

                 During my cancer journey I have learn quite a few things about adapting a healthy diet. As a potential survivor of this horrific diagnosis, it is important for me to attach myself to things that will be conducive to a clean lifestyle. These things should help me continue to be strong and strive for a positive outcome. I would postulate that sometimes it takes a life challenging experience to make a person reevaluate many social positions and attitudes that they once held as being true. Many times, these are the positions and attitudes that have put us in our present unhealthy circumstance. Today as I unsuccessfully attempted to get my point across to a single minded “individual”, I was struck with a life altering epiphany. It happened while I was driving; this is when a ghostly figure (not really), appeared to me and whispered these words “Catfish will kill you if you consume its flesh”.

 

                I immediately pulled over, (not really) in the middle of the interstate, stepped out of my car and raised my hands to the skies and shouted “I don’t eat catfish; I only eat farm raised tilapia”. The voice interrupted my protest with “No sir, you are one of the greatest consumers of catfish, for without your impression and influence on the catfish market, many fish farmers would be put out of business". This was a shock to me because for years, I had taken pride in the fact that I only ate the freshest and purest fish in the sea. After the police arrived and asked me to return to my vehicle, (again, not really) I realized that the voice was right. I was a catfish consumer because throughout my existence I have placed self centered bottom feeders in my life and pretended that they were tilapia. Then, I expected these people to change and today’s conversation was just a continuation of the past.

                So what is a catfish? A catfish is “a person who assumes a false identity… as to deceive, manipulate or swindle” (Dictionary.com, 2014). These are the water bound creatures that are in my life. The voice that spoke to me today, after the heated conversation I had with a “friend”, was warning me “that I should be looking out for my own interest, because at the end of the day everyone else does”. Then I was reminded in chronicle order of all the instances in which I have assisted people in their dreams and goals and have walked away from the table empty. I can only recall a handfull of times that a “friend” has called me and said “Hey David, thanks for all of the FREE work you have done for me, I know I owe you, so let’s look into a way in which I can repay you”. These words have seldom been uttered; instead most will only call to request more FREE services. I am sad to say that many if not all of these people are Christians. When God asked his disciples to follow him and he would “make [them]… fishers of men,” (Matthey 4:19) I never imagined he was asking his followers to pick the pockets of people when they were in the most vulnerable state in their lives (i.e. lying on the floor after chemotherapy).

BON APPETIT  

 

Dictionary.com. (2014). Catfish. Retrieved from Dictionary.com: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/catfish

King, J. (n.d.). The Holy Bible.

What is The New Normal: Giving Her a Name She Can Not Run From

After receiving a diagnosed of colon cancer, I was told, by fellow cancer survivors, that this experience will change more than just your physical self. They told me that this will be the thing that you will remember on a regular basis. It will be your catalyst for change and your daily motivator. The idea of this thing will hide away in your mind like a stow-a-way on a large slave ship. This shoeless and earthly smelling intruder will seek control of your daily thoughts; however you must resist this urge at all cost. For this transgendered deity, has mastered the art of using his masculine traits saturated in a silent-feminine voice to accomplish his/her goal. She/he answers to no name, for if it is recognized by a name or any audible sound its commanding powers will dissipate.

As I ponder on this proclamation, I am burden with the thought that, my “normal” will never be the same because the bar of normalcy has been moved. The line in the sand that was once visible from the shore has been washed away.  It is like a terminal patient that has abandoned the hope of being “pain free” and now flirts with the wish of not experiencing pain every day. The “pain free” condition is not one that is within his reach anymore instead, the “low hanging fruit” of being “painless” instead of “pain free” is now his new norm. This bi-gendered being has a way of changing an individual’s norms by mentally, physically and emotionally changing who they are. It seeks to replace your healthy cells with damaged ones.

 As my calendar adds more days to this diagnosis, my old self continues to become more and more unrecognizable to me. I have witnessed yesterday’s desires being insignificant and offering little solace for me. I continue to search daily for that stow-a-way knowing that if his identify is revealed, I will become the victor and then I will declare and claim my body as my own property. I must cling to the idea that tests, blood work are not the sum of my body parts; they will not define me. I have tasted the sweet nectar of life and desire more. This has forced me to declare war against any foreign invader that seeks to control my temple. I have found this journey hiding under years of emotional leaves and I will not turn back. I will stand toe to toe and look this transgendered goddess in the eyes and shout her name “Cancer"!!

Bodhicitta (Compassion) in Meditation: The Enlightenment of a Friend

Today was a day that would be surrounded by uncertainties, obligations, misunderstandings, hope and adventure. It was on this day, that I decide to visit a Buddhist meditation ceremony. Actually, I did not know that I would be attending a ceremony, when I discovered this group; I thought it was going to be a class on meditation (with hint of Buddhism). More recently after visiting the Cancer Treatment Centers of America CTCA, I have become interested in the art of meditation. This infatuation is what motivated me to seek a local meditation group on the internet.  I am not a stranger to different religions and faiths and before I joined church 13 years ago, I made it a point to study as many religions as possible. I did not want to join something without knowing what else was available to me.  I have also had formal learning, such as a couple undergrad classes on Indian culture. This background, allowed me to enter this meeting today knowing that attending a Buddhist ceremony would not be scary nor would not be a threat to my own personal spirituality. I subscribe to the belief; that if you have “paper faith” that is at risk of dissipating if presented with new experiences, it would be a good idea to reassess your spirituality. I have a god that loves free choice and free thinkers.

This experience is worthy of a blog not because I attended this ceremony, it deserves mentioning because my friend, Tonia, agreed to meet me there. It was both our intentions to meet and learn more about meditation; we did not know that they would be conducting a Buddhist death ceremony today. This was a shock and I was lucky that we arrived in separate cars because if Tonia had driven she might have left me there looking for a ride home. Her frustration was evident when the instructor presented the list of prayers we were to recite. It was during this time that she turned toward me and mouthed the words “I am going to kill you”.

It was at this point that I felt guilty because I had not taken into account how much of a cultural shock this was going to be for her. This was a death ceremony for insects, pets, animals and love ones who had passed away. When this information was reveal, I was waiting for Tonia to grab her keys and head for the door. To my surprise, she stayed, took off her shoes and began to actively listen to what was being said. It was at this point that I realize that Tonia was open-minded. This is a characteristic that many patients have to adapt when faced with challenging diagnosis. For it is during these times, that many physicians are forced to present alternative plans of care for these patients. Today’s events reminded me of the interaction I had at CTCA, after meeting my naturopathic doctor Summer Baptist, ND,L.Ac. When she presented me with her plan, she was surprise that I was open minded enough to listen. She later told me that there are many patients who turn a deaf ear toward alternative treatment.

Meeting Dr. Baptist along and Tiffany, my Mind and Body therapist, was a life altering experience for me. It is because of these meetings, that I have begun to look at different life possibilities, including not living a life that is constrained by fears, regrets and lost opportunities. I am determined to seek a holistic approach to living. This has become my new goal and if I have friends and family who are not willing to travel his journey with me, then I will gladly wave at them as my mystical train leaves the station. I cannot tell you where this journey will lead me however I feel this is one I must take. I have lived many years bowing to societal norms however; we only have one existence so why not live for ourselves.

          What I found extremely interesting and moving, was the fact that most of the participants there, had lost family and friends because of the spiritual decisions they had made. This was a decision to follow their hearts, to become Buddhists, and many members of their family and friends could not accept their newfound happiness. Some of the participants even spoke of having to hide the fact they were Buddhist as well as concealing their spiritual commitments. During the ceremony, I witnessed one of the ladies getting emotional as she remembered the death of her mother, who had passed on earlier this year. She stated that when her mother died in June, she died without knowing that her daughter was a Buddhist. She felt that sharing this would have added an unneeded burden on her mother. I was moved by her love and compassion but could not help thinking of the lack of closure she was now burden with.

          Tonight as I reminisce over today’s events and what lesson(s) I might have learned, I arrive at the conclusion that freedom is not free for everyone and there are still people out there who cannot express their inner passions. I am thankful tonight that I live in an environment where I can express myself openly. I take pride in the fact that I am at a place in my existence, where I do not solicit the approval of others. Tonight I am thankful that I have friends like Tonia, who are willing to step out of their comfort zones to support a friend. I know that some of my other friends might declare “I will support you, but I will not visit a Buddhist ceremony”. Today’s lesson was “Sometimes being there means, you actually have to BE THERE..”