Today I was Unfairly Attacked by a Catfish; Catfish and Chips? No, Catfish and Cancer

                 During my cancer journey I have learn quite a few things about adapting a healthy diet. As a potential survivor of this horrific diagnosis, it is important for me to attach myself to things that will be conducive to a clean lifestyle. These things should help me continue to be strong and strive for a positive outcome. I would postulate that sometimes it takes a life challenging experience to make a person reevaluate many social positions and attitudes that they once held as being true. Many times, these are the positions and attitudes that have put us in our present unhealthy circumstance. Today as I unsuccessfully attempted to get my point across to a single minded “individual”, I was struck with a life altering epiphany. It happened while I was driving; this is when a ghostly figure (not really), appeared to me and whispered these words “Catfish will kill you if you consume its flesh”.

 

                I immediately pulled over, (not really) in the middle of the interstate, stepped out of my car and raised my hands to the skies and shouted “I don’t eat catfish; I only eat farm raised tilapia”. The voice interrupted my protest with “No sir, you are one of the greatest consumers of catfish, for without your impression and influence on the catfish market, many fish farmers would be put out of business". This was a shock to me because for years, I had taken pride in the fact that I only ate the freshest and purest fish in the sea. After the police arrived and asked me to return to my vehicle, (again, not really) I realized that the voice was right. I was a catfish consumer because throughout my existence I have placed self centered bottom feeders in my life and pretended that they were tilapia. Then, I expected these people to change and today’s conversation was just a continuation of the past.

                So what is a catfish? A catfish is “a person who assumes a false identity… as to deceive, manipulate or swindle” (Dictionary.com, 2014). These are the water bound creatures that are in my life. The voice that spoke to me today, after the heated conversation I had with a “friend”, was warning me “that I should be looking out for my own interest, because at the end of the day everyone else does”. Then I was reminded in chronicle order of all the instances in which I have assisted people in their dreams and goals and have walked away from the table empty. I can only recall a handfull of times that a “friend” has called me and said “Hey David, thanks for all of the FREE work you have done for me, I know I owe you, so let’s look into a way in which I can repay you”. These words have seldom been uttered; instead most will only call to request more FREE services. I am sad to say that many if not all of these people are Christians. When God asked his disciples to follow him and he would “make [them]… fishers of men,” (Matthey 4:19) I never imagined he was asking his followers to pick the pockets of people when they were in the most vulnerable state in their lives (i.e. lying on the floor after chemotherapy).

BON APPETIT  

 

Dictionary.com. (2014). Catfish. Retrieved from Dictionary.com: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/catfish

King, J. (n.d.). The Holy Bible.

My Dark Passenger : The Dexter Morgan Syndrome

Three in the morning returning from a fresh  kill
Offering a temporary high, no emotion, no thrill
Dreams invaded by black body bags on an ocean floor
Battling stages of this passenger accepting his detour

 

This dark rider has traveled with me for many miles
In every portrait, laughing behind all of my smiles
Must I endure fake social erections with no penetration
That will only lead to a less than holy spiritual congregation

 

Dexter,  burden with a destiny to control the beast of his youth
Blood slides, and tests only hide this bitter undeniable truth
Brothers separated, leaving only dark flowers
Cancer, our La Costa nostra, is "this thing of ours"

 

Dealing with this passenger has weaken a life desire
Chemo wars to destroy the evidence by burning fire
Sooner or later we'll sit on his lap ,as he reads to us a story
No bells, or trumpets, just a soul broken down by glory

 

Fear that our offspring one day might meet this invader in black
Shadows, exposed by PET scans, conveniently revealing every crack
We lived in different worlds only united by fate
Fighting our own homicide, extending that future date

 

Oh dark traveler, living in our cells end your torturous lease
Find another host, leave us with a ounce of dignity and pound of peace
We will fight as long as we can against your unholy coup
Burden with the task of reversing your surgical and emotional voodoo

What is The New Normal: Giving Her a Name She Can Not Run From

After receiving a diagnosed of colon cancer, I was told, by fellow cancer survivors, that this experience will change more than just your physical self. They told me that this will be the thing that you will remember on a regular basis. It will be your catalyst for change and your daily motivator. The idea of this thing will hide away in your mind like a stow-a-way on a large slave ship. This shoeless and earthly smelling intruder will seek control of your daily thoughts; however you must resist this urge at all cost. For this transgendered deity, has mastered the art of using his masculine traits saturated in a silent-feminine voice to accomplish his/her goal. She/he answers to no name, for if it is recognized by a name or any audible sound its commanding powers will dissipate.

As I ponder on this proclamation, I am burden with the thought that, my “normal” will never be the same because the bar of normalcy has been moved. The line in the sand that was once visible from the shore has been washed away.  It is like a terminal patient that has abandoned the hope of being “pain free” and now flirts with the wish of not experiencing pain every day. The “pain free” condition is not one that is within his reach anymore instead, the “low hanging fruit” of being “painless” instead of “pain free” is now his new norm. This bi-gendered being has a way of changing an individual’s norms by mentally, physically and emotionally changing who they are. It seeks to replace your healthy cells with damaged ones.

 As my calendar adds more days to this diagnosis, my old self continues to become more and more unrecognizable to me. I have witnessed yesterday’s desires being insignificant and offering little solace for me. I continue to search daily for that stow-a-way knowing that if his identify is revealed, I will become the victor and then I will declare and claim my body as my own property. I must cling to the idea that tests, blood work are not the sum of my body parts; they will not define me. I have tasted the sweet nectar of life and desire more. This has forced me to declare war against any foreign invader that seeks to control my temple. I have found this journey hiding under years of emotional leaves and I will not turn back. I will stand toe to toe and look this transgendered goddess in the eyes and shout her name “Cancer"!!

Building Support Systems 101

This morning I decided to go for walk and while on my journey I met a man. This man was dressed in casual clothing with a cancer ribbon on his jacket collar, accompanied by a perplexing smile. I believe in a different setting his smile might have been considered friendly but in this one it was hiding a intense secret. As we began our journey we broke the silence with a brief conversation about the weather but I knew that there was something deeper and more intimate that he wanted to share. So I began to question him about his cancer diagnosis and how it had affected his life. He smiled and said “this diagnosis hasn’t really changed me; it has changed my perspective of those whom I had previously thought were close to me”.

                This was a powerful and deep statement. I did not need to have an explanation for the position he now held because I had experienced it myself. In fact this statement took me mentally back five months ago when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It was a Friday morning and I was sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him tell me about a tumor he had found in my intestine. This was a shocking revelation for me and now I was expected to drive home as if  everything was normal. This was the longest in the hardest drive home I had ever taken. It took everything in my power to muster up enough strength to turn the steering wheel and shift the gears on my 6 speed Volkswagen Passat. When I finally made it home the first thing I wanted to do was reach out to my family.  I called them and nervously reported the news to them with the secret hope that they would say “you’ll be okay, we’ll be there for you”. This phrase was never uttered.

                After this brief historical flashback, I slowly began to focus back on my walking companion. He was in the mist of recalling his own personal cancer story. He told me that when he delivered the news to his love ones “they begin to tell him” everyone’s going through something, we all have problems of our own”. He turned to me with tears running down his unshaven face and declared that looking back, this response hurt him more than any treatment program he would have to go through. He stated that it was at this point that he knew he was completely alone and that this lack of support would retard many of the medical decisions he would have to make. He said “some mornings I wake up and feel like just staying in the bed, with the covers over my head and it is the lack of support that fuels these feelings”. He went on to say that our support groups are not preassembled and that just because someone shares the same DNA with you doesn’t mean that that they have compassion for you.       

He told me that he learned this lesson the evening after his dreadful doctor’s appointment. He said it was during this time when one of his friends spoke to him over the phone. He recalled being reluctant to share his misfortune however his desire for comfort over took his need for privacy. This friend not only listen she asked for his next appointment date and who was going to take him. To his surprise she showed up on the day of his appointment, ready to transport him. She said “I knew your pride wouldn’t allow you to ask and I felt like you needed a friend to be there, I’ll take you to this appointment, Pam will take you to the next one, Amy and Sally will you get to these” she declared as she pointed to a makeshift appointment book she had organized the day before “this should get you through the next couple of weeks, until your family is able to make it here”.

                It was at this moment that the man stopped walking, looked at me and acknowledged “I knew that my cancer was not a priority for my family and that any promises they had made me were only superficial pleasantries they used to get me off of the phone”.  We came to a crossroad, he went one way and I the other. Lucky for me this interaction did not leave me without knowledge and to repay him for his information, I gave him a strong handshake followed by a manly “take care”.

             As I sit in my room, I realize what his conversation was all about. He was telling me that people in general, are preoccupied with their own issues and this selfishness does not allow them to extend any real compassion or sacrifice for others. It is the kindness of strangers that will allow you to survive this and reaching out to familiar faces will only disappoint you in the end.  The moral of the story is “your life’s emergency many times will only be considered an urgent care episode to others”